In Response to the Mormon Church’s Statement on Utah Medical Marijuana Initiative


The recent statement published by the Mormon church opposing the Utah Medical Marijuana Initiative exemplifies the "evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days."[1]

The Church says, "The negative effects and consequences of marijuana use on individuals, families, and society at large are well-known."

This is a lie. Thousands of case studies demonstrate marijuana is rarely harmful and more often beneficial to users. What is well-known, however, is how deleterious prohibition is to individuals, families, and society at large.[2] Not only is this well-known, it's well-documented. The social problems related to marijuana result not from the plant itself but from the efforts to control it and imprison those who would use it. Look around; the only people perpetuating this "marijuana is bad" bullshit are suits with obvious interests in architecting society and controlling the masses.

Aside from the plethora of journalism and research, just ask anyone who has actually used marijuana. Nine of ten will recount psychological and physiological effects, sure, but none that entails psychosis or fiendish attempts to rape and pillage or jerking off while on the job. Well, ok, maybe a few will have jerked off in the bathroom during lunch. But imagine what goes on in the Holy of Holies, that secret lair in the Mormon temple, when these men with a fixation on the dangers of pornography gather there. Do you know what else is referred to as the "Holy of Holies?" The life-bearing flowery folds of skin that rest between a woman's legs.

Cops even acknowledge marijuana is benign. Multiple officers have told me in recent months they're never dispatched to a fight or a domestic disturbance or a robbery because someone smoked a joint and lost their shit.

So the notion that marijuana is bad for society is crap. What's bad for society are the crooks who have their tentacles in our cities' businesses, churches, and governments—simultaneously. In Utah, that's the Mormon elders.

What's more, the Church's statement is a classic example of the their politicking. The elders spew from the pulpit platitudes about not wielding political influence, then double down in the opposite direction when the polis might have the opportunity to vote on a bill that wasn't doctored by one of their Manchurian candidates.

Of course, this is no surprise to anyone except maybe the most mindless of sheep. Unfortunately, the Mormon ideology has effectively lobotomized people, and its architects know this. The congregations await the elders' opinions with bated breath, perhaps because the elders are believed to speak the mind and will of God. And who do you think forwarded this idea? Such humble men!

The elders' public statement is akin to Charles Manson's statement from the Los Angeles courthouse to the press in 1970: "in my mind's eye, my thoughts light fires in your cities." Following Manson's utterance, fires burned in LA, ignited by Manson's followers. And with the release of this statement from the Church, we can expect religious zealots to answer the call of duty, under the banner of heaven.

Yes, the Church's recent statement exemplifies the "evils and designs" of a "secret combination." These are "conspiring men." In fact, the Church itself is a "graven image," turgid with "whited sepulchers" and "Pharisees."

Or maybe I'm wrong. Let's assume, instead, these rich geezers are not nefarious. Let's assume they are well-intentioned do-gooders with naught but high hopes for a pristine, celestial society in "the tops of the mountains" and they genuinely believe this plant that makes people feel good is in fact very dangerous. If we assume this, then we have to conclude that, in addition to being well-intentioned, they are ignorant, for a lay survey of marijuana users and marijuana research shows that marijuana is not what they believe it to be.

If the elders truly believe what they profess to believe, we must conclude they have yet to think for themselves, that they are kowtowing to a set of century-old beliefs made popular via racist propaganda.

It could be they believe marijuana is bad because they only hear user accounts from pimply fourteen-year-olds who've been brainwashed so effectively that, after trying marijuana for the first time, they come moping into the bishop's office bursting with self-hatred. And so the clergy's bias is confirmed: marijuana is bad. But this also is ignorant, as it confuses causation and correlation. It's not the using of this plant that induces ill effects, but the beliefs regarding it. In a related newsflash: MASTURBATION DOES NOT TARNISH YOUR SOUL, BUT BELIEVING MAKES IT SO.

Finally, if the Mormon elders aren't ignorant or nefarious, they must be afraid. Maybe they're afraid marijuana will open the minds of their membership, that Mormons might drift away, a possible consequence they would undoubtedly blame on the "wiles of the devil" while spending millions on PR campaigns, just as they've done in response to the exodus sparked by the Internet.

A church that encourages members to "doubt your doubts" cannot tolerate a plant that tends to cause people to question everything. Oh no, that could lead to people thinking outside the box the elders have constructed. How scary indeed. Never mind what happens after consuming marijuana, it could be that those open to legalizing marijuana (and using it) are already thinking in a way the Church frowns upon—for themselves! APOSTASY! Sound the alarms! Cry out a warning!

Interestingly, researchers at Cardiff University showed that people with high IQs are more likely to experiment with drugs than those with lower IQs.

So if fear is the cause for the elders' official statement, then they remain ignorant, for the there is no intelligent reason to fear this "wholesome herb ordained by God for the constitution, nature, and use of man."

I propose a solution: a test of faith.

I challenge the elders and anyone who stands with them to prove me herewith and find out for themselves whether marijuana produces "negative effects to society at large." "Behold, if you will awake and arouse your faculties," and perform a little experiment, and plant a little marijuana seed, and nourish it with some regular old water from the spigot, it will grow.[3] And as it grows, you'll say, "This must be a good seed." To which I'll say, "Of course it's a good seed!" You think politicians would ban a BAD seed? Would cartels traffic in bad seeds? Do you know of any laws outlawing poison ivy? No, because poison ivy fucking sucks. It's a bad seed and everybody knows it, so outlawing it wouldn't provide a hall pass to arrest jazz musicians, immigrants, punks and hippies, freethinking citizens, or peeps with chronic pain, cancer, or epilepsy. Sheesh, pull yer head out yer ass.

As this seed sprouts and blooms, I exhort you to feast upon the fruits thereof—or in this case the flowers thereof—and after you feast put some in your pipe and smoke it.

Then ask God if it isn't true. And if ye shall ask with a "sincere heart, with real intent, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost"—which means you're gonna feel real nice. (This, by the way, is how you can know the truth about any matter. Just pray, and see how you feel. You're welcome.)[4]

That's it. That's how we can overcome this "great controversy in this state," as the Church calls it. This really is a simple case of GREEN EGGS AND HAM, folks. Don't knock it till you try it. Give that seed some time to grow, too. Water it a little. Throw away your Xanax and Adderall and Oxycontin and Swig and Game of Thrones, take cannabis once or twice a week for two months, then reconvene that little powwow on UMMI and the evils of marijuana. Or better yet, continue with this prescription until November and then hoof it to the polls. Put yer money where yer mouth is.

Seeing how Ye Elders of Israel have no difficulty drinking the Kool-Aid, you should have no problem puffing the dragon.


  1. Doctrine and Covenants 89:4.
  2. See Chasing The Scream, Opium: A History, or any historical or journalistic account of prohibition.
  3. Compare with Alma 32.
  4. Compare with Moroni 10